Gollum is questing! Episode 1/25

Gollum interviews for a job as a shop assistant. "I never knew I was interviewing for a job with the Mafia!" he said. "I'm leaving!"
"Wait!" said Don Corimmicci. "Don't go! I want to go legit!"
"He really does!" said Bessio, his trusted adviser.

A Mafia Don needs a heart of stone. But Don Corimmicci's heart is wooden. Frank Piglioni has sent him an eraser - a threat to rub him out! Bessio recommended Retail Therapy; use a shop as a front for a protection racket to pay off Frank, then go legit selling honest goods as fast as possible.

Gollum looks at Don Corimmicci. He looks so scared and pitiful. Maybe he can help this failed crook go legit. "OK, but I come as a package with my close friend, Bluey Pursoni!"

Gollum is questing! Episode 2/25

"What kind of a friend is a purse?" scoffs Bessio.
"He's my financial advisor!" says Gollum. "Let's see whether he can help you."
"This is a hard time to start a shop," said Bluey. "Many have gone out of business due to the virus. To go legit in 2021, you need a cash cow."
"How do we know we can trust you?" asks Don Corimmicci.
"My clips are sealed," Bluey replies.

Gollum is questing! Episode 3/25

Don Corimmicci sends Bessio to Japan. She has a contact among the ninkyō dantai - Kitsunegari, or 'Kit' as she calls him for short.
"Kit, we need a cash cow," says Bessio.
"Here's the latest," says Kit. "The Nissan QashQow. It's an ATM."
"Automated Teller Machine?"
"No, All-Terrain Moocow. You can use them on polished floors, carpets, tiles, anything."
"What does she do to the gallon?" asks Bessio.
"About a hundred pounds of grass," says Kit.

Gollum is questing! Episode 4/25

When Bessio returns, she finds Gollum and Don Corimmicci outside a shop. They are haggling with Frank Piglioni over the rent.
"Hey, Gollum has been giving me the Hard Word!" says Frank.
"Like, Kitsunegari?" asks Bessio.
"Naw, he's been gettin' advice from some guy called Bluey Personi!" says Frank. "A real tough guy in mob finance. I'd better accept his terms."

Gollum is questing! Episode 5/25

"NOW what do we do?" asks Don Corimmicci. "We got the shop, but we never thought what we would sell!"
"Doesn't matter," says Bessio. "As long as people come in and out a lot, it's good cover."
"Then sell things you want yourself," says Gollum. "How about clothes made from really great fabrics?"
"How'd you know I'm always itchy?" asks the Don.
"It's written all over your desk," says Gollum. "On your name board."

Gollum is questing! Episode 6/25

A few days later, some stolen dresses arrive in the back of a van driven by this nice friendly guy called Vito. Bessio and Gollum get everything ready for the customers.
"I'm only going to help with honest business activities," says Gollum.
"I'll manage the shop, you serve, that way you can keep your hands clean," says Bessio.
"Yeah, Bluey and I brought hand sanitizer for the customers," says Gollum. "I'll be sure to use it myself."

Gollum is questing! Episode 7/25

Meanwhile at the back of the shop, Don Corimmicci has set up a casino.
"Hey, what we gonna gamble with?" ask the Running Dogs. "Gambling for GM is illegal!"
"Alright! Alright! I'll be back in a minute!" says Don Corimmicci.

Gollum is questing! Episode 8/25

Here's the deal," Don Corimmicci tells Gollum. "You take the GM, you pump the cow's tail, she makes FnC, you give them to the marks."
"Marks are only good in Germany," says Gollum.
"No, the marks - er, the gamblers," says Don Corimmicci.
"What does the house skim off?" asks Gollum.
"I dunno," says Corimmicci. "What's usual to skim when cows are involved?"
"Hmm, 2% sounds good to me," says Gollum. "Semi skimmed."
"These guys are robbing themselves!" says the QashQow.
"Just be sure to feed her grass," says the Don.
"Do I get to drink the milk?" asks Gollum.

Gollum is questing! Episode 9/25

The casino is soon a great success. Bob is losing big and Sam is beating the house.
"Hey!" says Sam, turning to the Don. "Is that a gangster's moll, or a monster's gal?"
"Oh no, it's the pigs!" says Don Corimmicci.
Scaredy Cat daren't look.
"I resent that!" says Officer K-9.
"I'll go quietly," says Corimmicci.
"What? Gambling for FnC is legal in this state!" says K-9. "Gimme some chips."

Gollum is questing! Episode 10/25

"How's things?" asks feared mob enforcer Vincenzo Brasi.
"Terrible," says the Don. "So far I have accidentally gotten myself two legitimate businesses before I even start a protection racket."
"I thought you were going straight?" says Brasi.
"Yeah, but I gotta look like a tough guy until I've paid off Frank Piglioni," says the Don. "That's why I hired you. Hey, you dumb Mutt, you've got that uniform on inside out!"
"You expect me to read?" asks VB. "It's bad enough having to pose as a Virus Buster while I take the protection money!"

Gollum is questing! Episode 11/25

Vincenzo Brasi, 'disguised' as a Virus Buster, starts his reign of terror, prowling the streets looking for unsanitized shops.

Gollum is questing! Episode 12/25

VB visits the bakery.
"Come on in!" says the baker. "Boy are we glad to see you! I'll give you 50 GM to clean the place up!"
"Stick em' up and give me 20!" growls Brasi.
"Don't you want the other 30?" asks the baker.
"Sumthin' around here ain't right," says Brasi, shaking his head. "Ok, where's them bugs?"

Gollum is questing! Episode 13/25

"I can't understand it," says VB. "Everywhere I go people love me. I ask for 20 and they give me 50. How's a tough guy supposed to keep his reputation?"
"You mean I now run three legitimate businesses and I can't get busted for anything?" asks the Don.
"Boss, I'm real sorry," says VB.
"Whatever. We'd better pay Frankie the rent," says the Don. "But when you go, take Bluey Personi. He's got Frankie worked out."

Gollum is questing! Episode 14/25

Vincenzo and Bessio take Bluey Pursoni round the other shops to collect the Virus Busting fees. Bluey gets talking to the shopkeepers about their costs and gives them financial advice. He's soon a well-respected financier.

Gollum is questing! Episode 15/25

Bessio leaves Brasi to handle Frank Piglioni. Frank only lets one mobster see him at once, but he thinks Bluey is just a purse.
"You sure you wanna work for that eight time loser Corimmicci?" asks Frankie.
"He's doin' great," says Brasi. "And I don't work for pigs."
Meanwhile Bluey assesses Frankie's net worth from the sofa. As they leave, Bluey tells Brasi "this guy ain't all he claims to be. He only owns two banks."

Gollum is questing! Episode 16/25

On the way back to the shop, Vincenzo Brasi is surrounded by local shopkeepers.
"Hey, ain't you that tough guy Vincenzo Brasi?" asks the Monster's Gal. "We all got wise! Bluey Personi showed us we're payin' waaaaaaay too much rent for these shops. Who you workin' for? He charges less than we'd pay. We want your boss to replace Frankie!"

Gollum is questing! Episode 17/25

Back in Don Corimmicci's office, Vincenzo Brasi explains what's going on.
"Boss, the word on the street is Frankie's lost his grip. Folks want you to take over his operation and give them a fair deal."
"But Frankie's gang's real tough!" says Corimmicci. "He's not just backed by the Three Little Pigs, yannow. Last I heard he had at least six other pigs in his gang and they ain't smokin' bacon!"
"Boss, Gollum and Bluey came up with a plan," says Brasi.

Gollum is questing! Episode 18/25

Next day, Bessio supervises the delivery of 500 K-9 t-shirts from Roberto Squamoso.

Gollum is questing! Episode 19/25

Bessio has the Monster's Gal round up the other shopkeepers and gives them each a box of t-shirts. Free!

Gollum is questing! Episode 20/25

The word on the street is "Show your support for Vincenzo Brasi!" Everyone wants dog t-shirts. Soon all the shops have sold out.

Gollum is questing! Episode 21/25

Before you know it, everyone's wearing a 'Virus Buster Brasi' t-shirt and chanting 'Team K-9!' like the shopkeepers told them.

Gollum is questing! Episode 22/25

Frankie hears everyone's working for Vincenzo Brasi now. He leaves town and goes back to the farm.
"Hey boss, what's this story about you going 'Wee wee wee' all the way home?" his gang ask him.
"Who let the dogs out?" asks Frankie. "You boys had better take the town back from Brasi, or I can't bring home the bacon no more!"

Gollum is questing! Episode 23/25

Gollum has masterminded the whole thing; he stuffs all the GM from the casino into Bluey Personi so Don Corimmicci can make Frank Piglioni an offer he can't refuse.

Gollum is questing! Episode 24/25

Frank Piglioni agrees to a meeting with Brasi and Bluey with just one trusted enforcer.
"Game's over, Frankie," says Brasi. "Don Corimmicci has the town in his pocket. You can sell the rented properties for this fair payment, or my boys will have your gang for sausages and we take over for nuthin'."
"Vincenzo, can you get me off the hook?" asks Frankie. "For old times' sake?"
"Can't do it Frankie. I can't save your bacon."

Gollum is questing! Episode 25/25

Gollum is relieved; he can leave the shop with a clear conscience. "Just remember to charge fair rents and you will be fine," he tells Don Corimmicci.
"I wooden go back into the Mafia if you paid me," says the street's new owner. "You've set me up with FOUR legitimate businesses!"
"Well since you put it like that, I believe you!" laughs Gollum.
"Here's 20 GM, you've deserved it," says Bessio.
La Fine.
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