Bertie is questing! Episode 1/25

"Oh goodness me," Cockatoo exclaimed as the Pirate Monkey ship approached. "Whaddaya think they want?" Hound Dog asked. "They are coming to assault our ears with that stuff they call music," said Cockatoo, "And we have no time to get earplugs. Alas." Bertie declared, "We showed up at just the right time! I can't wait to hear this."

Bertie is questing! Episode 2/25

As the Pirate Monkey ship drew near, singing, if you could call it that, was heard coming from the deck. It was discordant and out-of-tune, but Bertie quite enjoyed it. Cockatoo shrieked as Hound Dog moaned in agony. "Think they'll desist with that dangfool racket?" "No!", Cockatoo squawked. Meanwhile, Bertie swayed to the alleged rhythm. It really wasn't so bad.

Bertie is questing! Episode 3/25

When their rowboat reached the shore, one of the Pirate Monkeys yelled out, "Hey!" A second Pirate Monkey also shouted, "Hey!" Then the whole group exclaimed, "We're the Pirate Monkeys!" Cockatoo rolled her eyes and Hound Dog groaned. Bertie asked, "Have you come to monkey around?" The first monkey shook his head and answered, "We're too busy singing to put anybody down."

Bertie is questing! Episode 4/25

The Pirate Monkeys released a shocked and angry bongo-banging monkey. He gazed off into space as his former captors rowed back to their ship, playing their music all the way. "Oh dear, he doesn't look at all well," Cockatoo sighed. "I think I'll help him out of this dadgum spell those monkeys put on him," Hound Dog proclaimed. Bertie thought to himself, "I wonder if they have a CD I could purchase." Then he took a good look at the dazed monkey and decided that the unlucky soul must be so angry that the Pirate Monkeys kicked him off their musical vessel.

Bertie is questing! Episode 5/25

The Pirate Monkeys reached their ship as their former companion regained a bit of consciousness. A shout arose from the deck, "Avast monkey-mateys, we're taking our show to New York City!" Cockatoo said, "If only we could warn those poor New Yorkers." Hound Dog stammered, "Maybe they'll like it. Them big city folk'll listen to anything." Bertie was surprised when a red car pulled up and offered to take the group to the beach in New York. "Well, mah goodness," whistled Hound Dog, "Maybe we could get there in time. That car fast?" The driver gave an excited nod and off they went.

Bertie is questing! Episode 6/25

After a hair-raising ride, the group made it to the beach in New York. They came across Skulls and Bones riding around blaring their special rendition of New York, New York. "These little town blues, they're melting away, I'll make a brand new start of it, in old New York!" Cockatoo swore she felt Frank Sinatra roll over in his grave. Hound Dog yelped and the Bongo-banging Monkey cried a little. Even Bertie thought it was a little bit awful. They all noticed the band was heading toward Cleveland, Ohio, home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Bertie is questing! Episode 7/25

As the group pulled up to the RockHall, they heard the Pirate Monkeys playing to an audience of lucky(?) Clevelanders, some of whom seemed to actually be enjoying the song. "I got some records from World War Two, I Play 'em just like me grandad do, He was a rocker and I am too, Oh, Cleveland Rocks, yeah Cleveland Rocks." After a dinner of pierogis and local brews, Cockatoo, Hound Dog, Bongo-banging Monkey, the Maniac Driver and Bertie headed off to Philadelphia, since they saw that was next on Skulls and Bones' tour program.

Bertie is questing! Episode 8/25

Skulls and Bones version of Bruce Springsteen's Philadelphia was emanating from the speakers as the group caught up with Skulls and Bones at the Boot and Saddle. "I walked the avenue, 'til my legs felt like stone, I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone, At night I could hear the blood in my veins, It was just as black and whispering as the rain, On the Streets of Philadelphia." Cockatoo and Hound Dog went outside and found a place selling the best cheesesteaks they ever had. The rest of the group found themselves somewhat enjoying the song, though it did hurt their eardrums a bit. "What's next?" shouted Bertie over the music. The Bongo-banging Monkey loudly responded with his first words since they met, "Las Vegas, baby!"

Bertie is questing! Episode 9/25

"Viva Las Vegas. turnin' day into nighttime, Turnin' night into daytime, If you see it once, You'll never be the same again." Our group of do-gooders were in Las Vegas! As were Skulls and Bones, playing at an off-Strip music club and getting a lukewarm reception from the crowd. The club owner didn't mind, it made his patrons want to drink more. Hound Dog also didn't mind hearing the Pirate Monkeys singing some Elvis Presley tunes, The King was Hound Dog's favorite. The others gambled and won enough money to pay for their continued travels.

Bertie is questing! Episode 10/25

The entourage found themselves back in New York, some still a bit lit from their night in Vegas. When Skulls and Bones started singing the local anthem, Hound Dog pitched in with a howl heard all around Manhattan. Cockatoo tried to outdo the singers by letting out a Bronx cheer to rival a Yankee fan's greeting to a Red Sox power hitter. The bongo-banging Monkey tapped his foot and the Maniac Driver whistled. Bertie tried to remember why exactly they were following the Pirate Monkeys.

Bertie is questing! Episode 11/25

By the time our friends made it across the country, Skulls and Bones were already, um, delighting a crowd with their rendition of Hotel California. "Welcome to the Hotel California, Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, Such a lovely face, Plenty of room at the Hotel California, Any time of year, any time of year, You can find it here." The crowd swayed as if they were palm trees blowing in a sea breeze. Our exhausted group sat and enjoyed the song. Even Cockatoo relaxed and enjoyed the cover of The Eagles' song. Her cousins' tunes were some of her favorites. Bertie felt he had never heard a more soothing sound as he fell asleep on a sand dune near the ocean.

Bertie is questing! Episode 12/25

Bertie asked his fellow travelers why they had just flown clear across the world to see a band that some of them only just slightly enjoyed. Cockatoo said nothing and shot Hound Dog a meaningful look. He declared, "Wull, I aint sure at all, little friend." Meanwhile, Skulls and Bones were performing Walk Like An Egyptian in front of the ancient pyramids of Giza. "All the kids in the marketplace say, Whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh, Walk like an Egyptian." The crowd of Egyptians danced, but none of them really walked like that.

Bertie is questing! Episode 13/25

Another day on the sands of Cairo and the group finds themselves subjected to Skulls and Bones singing Desert Rose to a crowd. 'Sweet desert rose, Whose shadow bears the secret promise, This desert flower, No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this." Bertie noticed that many in the audience resembled zombies. "What's going on here?", he asked himself. "They look drugged or something." Bertie's concerns quickly vanished when someone handed him a savory shawarma.

Bertie is questing! Episode 14/25

The next venue on the list was Amsterdam. Some of our friends were anxious to sample the local treats, so they skipped the concert. However, Cockatoo, Hound Dog and the Bongo-banging Monkey went to the show and heard the band play Amsterdam. "I left my heart in Amsterdam. I hit my head against the wall. Over, over, over, Again and again and then over, Over, over, Again and again and then over, Over, over, Again and again and then over, Over, over" They noticed some concert-goers banging their heads on the dikes that protected the city from floods. Bongo-banging Monkey ominously muttered, "It is happening again." Cockatoo and Hound Dog knew they were witnessing something very troubling. They just couldn't tell what it was and whether the Pirate Monkeys were causing it.

Bertie is questing! Episode 15/25

Before a show in Tokyo, the Pirate Monkeys were observed drinking sake and slurping up noodles. Intermittently, they sang choruses of Big In Japan which covered the whisperings of covert plans they were plotting. "When you're big in Japan, tonight. Big in Japan, be tight. Big in Japan, oo the Eastern sea's so blue. Big in Japan, alright." "I really don't like this," Cockatoo uttered. "Yup, it's pretty bad singing, alright," answered Hound Dog. "No. I mean this obvious scheming of theirs," snapped Cockatoo. Hound Dog wondered, "Is that really worse than their dang caterwauling?"

Bertie is questing! Episode 16/25

"London calling to the faraway towns, Now war is declared and battle come down, London calling to the underworld, Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls." This choice of song played at the concert in the UK's capital struck Cockatoo as a clear indication of some devious Pirate Monkey plan. She had no desire to clash with them, but knew they had to be stopped. Bertie noticed some odd behavior in the crowd when Big Ben struck midnight. Head banging and foot stomping, though, is hardly cause for alarm, but he decided to pay closer attention.

Bertie is questing! Episode 17/25

The fair in Scarborough had contracted Skulls and Bones. (Though, no one's quite sure why.) The Pirate Monkeys regaled the crowd with a cover of the ballad that has been sung by numerous singers for centuries. "Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. Remember me to one who lives there. She once was a true love of mine." None of the travelers could find anything nefarious in the song. So they simply savored some salmon and scallops in the salty sea air.

Bertie is questing! Episode 18/25

Istanbul-not Constantinople- was up next. The group found the ancient city enchanting as they wandered in through the ruins of the many cultures that at one time had occupied this well-located town. Skulls and Bones performed on an island named Galatasaray while crowds gathered along the shore. "Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople. Been a long time gone, Constantinople. Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night." As the pets in attendance moved to the music, they began spinning themselves into frenzies. Eventually their spinning landed them in the Bosphorus Straight. Cockatoo was convinced that there was something about the monkey music that was causing this to happen. Bertie found himself dancing in circles, not being able to control it.

Bertie is questing! Episode 19/25

Ah... Adana, another enticing Turkish city. While the Monkey Pirates entertained crowds from the stone bridge, Taskopru, built by the Romans ages ago, Cockatoo, Hound Dog and Bongo-banging Monkey decided to look up Dr Nukhet Varlik, a historian of the Ottoman Empire interested in disease. Cockatoo felt sure there was something in the Skulls and Bones music that was making listeners sick. After hearing the stories and examining the Bongo-banging Monkey, Dr. Varlik concluded that this was a serious epidemic of Monkey Music Madness. The pirates must have been well aware that they were spreading a dangerous disease with their terrible tunes and had to be stopped. Once a plan was hatched, the group went out for kebabs and were quite satisfied.

Bertie is questing! Episode 20/25

Once the group left Turkey, they found themselves in Portofino, Italy. The Polizia were informed of the plan to bring in the Pirate Monkeys and an officer was assigned to the case. The members of the band decided not to perform for a big crowd in the small town, but found themselves tipsy from large quantities of wine, and began singing at a quaint ristorante. "In Portofino, took my heart away, In the sweet morning charm, The sea brought you to me, Half-close your eyes, And to me close, In Portofino, I see you again." Some of the patrons fell ill, but the Pirates got away before they could be rounded up for questioning. Bertie decided there was no sense in wasting food and he sat right down and ate all the Pasta Portofino he could devour. The rest of the group sat under the stars and sipped on some vino.

Bertie is questing! Episode 21/25

A slight diversion back to the States found the travelers in the Florida Keys. "Oh no! They are going to sing a Beach Boys song! That could kill everyone!" Cockatoo shouted. "We just gotta stop 'em," Hound Dog agreed. They rushed to the beach, but they were too late and the band was singing Kokomo to a throng of thong-clad teens. "Aruba, Jamaica, oh I want to take you to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go Oh I want to take you down to Kokomo, we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow That's where we want to go, way down in Kokomo" Oh, it was truly awful. The group vowed to catch these perverse performers before they did anymore damage to musical sensibilities worldwide.

Bertie is questing! Episode 22/25

The Pirate Monkeys were chosen to accompany The Bolshoi Ballet Academy's performance of Swan Lake in Moscow. Though there was no singing involved, Skulls and Bones music had devolved into a noxious poison. This was made clear when a troupe of tutu-wearing chimps took the stage. Unfortunately, the real dancers had fallen sick after rehearsal earlier that day. However, the stage was stormed, the Pirate Monkeys were taken into custody and our dedicated group of concerned pets were hailed as heroes. Bertie declared that he had never been so proud in all his life. The borscht and vodka flowed all night and the world was saved from an evil curse.

Bertie is questing! Episode 23/25

The Pirate Monkeys- now Prisoner Monkeys- were taken away by the Polizia. The do-gooders gathered the instruments and their award on the beach. Bertie exclaimed, "That was a great adventure!" Hound Dog replied, " Best I ever had!" The Bongo-banging Monkey was very nearly recovered and Cockatoo felt quite proud of their accomplishment.

Bertie is questing! Episode 24/25

Bongo-banging Monkey joked, "Maybe we should start our own band." Hound Dog added, "Wull, travelin' round the world is a dang lotta fun." Bertie laughed and agreed. Cockatoo answered, "No! Let's not."

Bertie is questing! Episode 25/25

The crew packed all the spoils of their quest in the hot rod and agreed that a good night's sleep had been well-earned. "Goodnight, y'all," yawned Hound Dog. "Sleep well," whispered Cockatoo. "You too," Bertie added. Bongo-banging Monkey decided NOT to sing them a lullaby and they all agreed that was a great decision.
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